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benjamin

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a year and a half later.. [20 Mar 2008|07:33pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

i've been working in computers at an air force base clinic. it's ok--the people love me--but i've gotten stuck in a routine, and it scares me. i'm thinking about running away. i haven't done that in a while. i'm sure it will be a lot harder this time, now that i'm an adult and have bills and leases and things. but, i'm not getting any younger. and i'm tired of living in the past.

i've spent a lot of time lately reminiscing about the way things were. sometimes i even reminisce about events that took place long before i was even born, like the summer of love in 1967, woodstock, or watching the moon landing. and then i got to thinking. everyone's always like "remember back when.." the only thing is, you can't really live in the past because today is eventually going to be the past too, so you have to stop and enjoy life for what it is. embrace new possibilities. change. in 10 years from now, we'll be looking back and saying, "damn, remember back in 2008 when all we had to worry about was the price of gas?"

yep. i sure do.

3 comments|post comment

[31 Aug 2006|12:29pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Yeah, so I lost the job before I even started. My "offer was withdrawn" because I failed the hair follicle drug test for Adderall. If only I were rich, I could've just gone to the doctor and gotten a prescription and everything would've been fine. Oh well. Fuck it.

Now I'm just trying to find out what to do with my life.

My mom thinks that I should try something other than computers because my cousin graduated in CIS and could never find a job so now he's a firefighter. I guess I'm going to have to find me a shiny red hat now. Degrees are useless anyway.

Oh yeah. My car broke again. Another $200. That makes $2000 I've spent on repairing a $500 car in the past year. Good job.

I'm thinking about saving up all of my money and getting the hell out of here--preferably to somewhere that doesn't require the use of a vehicle.

On a lighter note, bananas are scrumptious and an excellent source of potassium.

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[19 Aug 2006|10:36am]
[ mood | groggy ]

Well... I just installed a Livejournal client on my new laptop, so maybe I'll actually update every now and then since it's just a click of a button away. Doubtful, but we'll see.

I don't really feel like sharing much about my life at this very moment. I probably will in the future-- whenever I'm bored enough. Right now I'm trying to perfect my linux installation. I've chosen Ubuntu. Granted I usually don't swing that way (I usually like it a little rougher. i.e. Gentoo), but I have to say that I'm growing quite fond of this little African fellow. The package management is excellent, out-of-the-box hardware support is the best I've ever seen, and the philosophy behind it is all warm and fuzzy as well. 'Humanity to others'. Life without Windows is a breeze.

Enough geek-speak.

I got a job! Geico. I start the 28th. I finally realized that two Associate degrees still don't amount to a Bachelors, so I'm going to have to start from the ground up career-wise. But I suppose this will give me time to get my life straightened out. Plus, they'll pay for me to finish my Bachelors!

1 comment|post comment

[16 Jul 2005|12:41pm]
does anyone know a transvestite rapper named "jeffree star" who apparently lives in hollywood? if so, please let me know. thanks.
5 comments|post comment

[12 Jun 2005|07:20am]
yeah, i'm lonely.

so fucking what?
2 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|05:25am]
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:ben
Birthday:4-20-82
Birthplace:warner robins, ga
Current Location:cochran, ga
Eye Color:brown
Hair Color:brown
Height:5'11
Right Handed or Left Handed:right
Your Heritage:european/native american
The Shoes You Wore Today:flip-flops
Your Weakness:inability to stop thinking
Your Fears:being alone
Your Perfect Pizza:mushrooms and pepperoni
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:survive
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:brb
Thoughts First Waking Up:i have to pee
Your Best Physical Feature:my incredible biceps (ha) ... eyes, perhaps?
Your Bedtime:whenever i fall asleep
Your Most Missed Memory:innocence
Pepsi or Coke:coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:mcdonalds
Single or Group Dates:i don't remember
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:tetley
Chocolate or Vanilla:vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee with one cream and eight swirls of sugar
Do you Smoke:like a train
Do you Swear:like a sailor
Do you Sing:like helen keller
Do you Shower Daily:at least twice
Have you Been in Love:constantly
Do you want to go to College:been there, done that, couldn't afford the tshirt
Do you want to get Married:sometimes
Do you belive in yourself:at times i doubt my existance
Do you get Motion Sickness:only when i spin around at the beach.. but in a good way
Do you think you are Attractive:i think i have potential
Are you a Health Freak:a freak of nature, maybe
Do you get along with your Parents:depends on what meds they're taking
Do you like Thunderstorms:love them
Do you play an Instrument:once upon a time
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:i've had a few sips
In the past month have you Smoked:what do you think?
In the past month have you been on Drugs:define "drugs"
In the past month have you gone on a Date:i think so
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:speed shopping with randall yesterday
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no but i've had the cookie
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:don't think so
In the past month have you been on Stage:my life is a play
In the past month have you been Dumped:haven't had the chance
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:too cold
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:i'm a clepto when it comes to lighters, so yeah
Ever been Drunk:i'm pretty sure, yeah..
Ever been called a Tease:i've been called many things
Ever been Beaten up:no, i've never been in a fight...
Ever Shoplifted:a few times
How do you want to Die:i don't want to die..
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:i don't want to grow up either.
What country would you most like to Visit:atlantis
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:blue is nice, but i haven't had much luck with blue-eyed boys
Favourite Hair Color:doesn't matter to me
Short or Long Hair:i don't care
Height:i'm not that shallow
Weight:damnit... as long as you're slightly proportional
Best Clothing Style:i don't care!
Number of Drugs I have taken:almost everything
Number of CDs I own:most of them are scratched well beyond being playable.. but i'd say 100ish
Number of Piercings:one ear, the other closed. but i don't wear anything in it.
Number of Tattoos:one
Number of things in my Past I Regret:regret? none. miss? countless.

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!
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[15 Feb 2005|01:08pm]
American media is becoming trashier than ever. I've grown to accept the fact that the White House typically has a firm grip on what the major news giants can and cannot say about the political arena, but now it's getting a little absurd. If any of you have read Dubya's buddy and ex-Fox News pundit Matt Drudge's web site, www.drudgereport.com, you probably know what I'm talking about. Since the Grammys, the site has been plastered with mostly obscure editorial content about the recent political faux pas committed by comedian Chris Rock.

Apparently, Mr. Rock, whose monologues are based on the premise that people are inherently stupid, regardless of race, age, creed, or sexual orientation, crossed the line when he made a joke that "only gays watch the Oscars". Now, being less heterosexual than most, you would think that I could quite possibly be offended. But am I? Fuck no. He's a goddamned comedian, for Christ's sake. If people like Matt Drudge had even a clue, they would realize that the majority of things Chris Rock says are purposefully meant to the mock opinions of less educated people in our society, i.e. most Republicans. He's probably one of the least judgmental people in the business, anyway.

In actuality, the only reason Mr. Drudge has made such a big deal about this, even though no one else really gives a damn, is because he's still pissed that Chris Rock threatened to shove his foot up his ass after Drudge warned Rock not to poke fun at his pal Dubya.

What irks me most of all, though, is that Matt Drudge, who has publicly condoned this administration's anti-gay policies (even though, incidentally, he is a closeted fag himself), had the audacity to charge someone with discrimination! What a schmuck. And to top it off, I doubt you'll see any link on his website referring to the current news story about how one of the White House's top correspondents has just resigned because it was discovered that during his off days, when not promoting Dubya's marriage amendment, he has led a nifty little life as a gay male escort. But then again, I guess you can't put all the blame on him. I mean, even the reputable Fox News hasn't yet stumbled upon this elephant of a story. Ha.

At least if we were in China it wouldn't be a secret that our news is controlled.
2 comments|post comment

[12 Feb 2005|10:51am]
agh! can someone please tell my nose to stop being stuffy? :(
1 comment|post comment

[09 Feb 2005|01:43pm]
Here's a running list of my favorite movies. Basically this is just for my reference, because I always draw a blank when people ask me to name my favorite movies. But you should watch them all. I'll add more as I think of them. I'm sure there are tons of really awesome ones that I've forgotten. But in the mean time...

Magnolia
The Royal Tenenbaums
Donnie Darko
Mulholland Drive
Punch Drunk Love
Elefant
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
A Clockwork Orange
Blowup
Harold and Maude
Fried Green Tomatoes
Steel Magnolias
Bruno
Terms of Endearment
Natural Born Killers
The Virgin Suicides
Mame
Dancer in the Dark
Run Lola Run
Pulp Fiction
Igby Goes Down
Casino
Beaches
Paradise Road
Schindler's List
Dream for an Insomniac
Iron Jawed Angels
Angels in America
Playing by Heart
Tea with Mussolini
Varian's War
The Safety of Objects
Empire Records
1 comment|post comment

[06 Feb 2005|07:52am]
[ mood | drained ]

***EDIT*** note: the last couple paragraphs probably don't make any sense because for some ungodly reason livejournal likes to edit your entries for you and delete extra spaces! grr.


i woke up after sleeping for thirty minutes, if even, to the sound of my heart beating. it was so fast and so hard that i could see my chest rise and fall.. well, more like jerk. i seriously thought i was about to die. i mean, this kind of thing happens every night (night terrors.. i've had them for years). but tonight's was different. i can't really explain it, but it was so scary that i was *this close* to calling certain people and telling them i loved them just in case. my mom gave me one of my dad's hydroxyzine pamoates, which she insists is nothing more than benadryl. whatever it is, it helped. now i just feel spacey.

i wonder if it had anything to do with last night. mandy gave me this awesome massage and played with my energy. she said i had a chi blockage in my lower back, but she couldn't get it all because she didn't have her table and were both slightly tipsy. i think i need to make a trip to macon so she can complete what she had started. i know most of you think i'm nut-so, but you just haven't experienced it.. woosh. when she finished it felt like my soul had just had some supernatural, cum-on-the-ceiling orgasm followed by its first drag of a cigarette in days. you know the feeling. i know you do. well, except for you non-smokers, but i'm sure you can relate. ;)

oh, yeah. so i haven't told most of you about my new interest. his name is matthew, he lives in orlando, and he's moving back to georgia soon to finish graduate school, i hope. he has fabulous taste in music, movies, and literature. he can write and sing, and he's incredibly gorgeous. oh, and he's a lesbian wanna-be like yours truly. but best of all, he's an incredible conversationalist. i believe we've logged over 1200 minutes of conversation during the past week. and that doesn't even include online chatting and Literati(tm). you like how i just trademarked that? i'm lame. ok, i can't decide whether i should place one or two spaces between sentences. what do you suggest? this. or this? hm.. i think i like the one space personally, so i suppose i'll go with that. i digress. matthewisgreatandifeelsillytypingthisbecausehereadsmyjournalbutireallyreallylikehimalotandimgoingcrazybecauseicantseehimandithinkhemightbemyfuturehusband.

so, i think i've decided that the whole two-spaced post-punctuation thing best fits my personality. definitely. my thoughts are already jumbled enough as it is.. i shouldn't make my sentences reflect them. even though i do, obviously, i mean, helloooo.. no space bar? god i'm going crazy. tell me to stop typing, now! i can't stop. the keyboard has possessed me. oh nooo.. what do i do?!?! help!!! i can't let go!!! noooooo. ajsdflkjdsflkasjdkasdjasdjfafsjdsajafsdallourbasearebelongtousijasdfljasja

4 comments|post comment

[18 Jan 2005|11:55pm]
i just now realized how much of a douche i look like in my lj icon.
2 comments|post comment

i [18 Jan 2005|10:20pm]
i never post things like this, but i thought it was neat:
(oh yeah, for all of those who are still confused, i moved back to georgia in october. i'll explain more later ;c)

1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.

2. I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.

3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.

4. Last, i will try to name a single word that best describes you.

5. Put this in your journal.
14 comments|post comment

[11 Jan 2005|06:55pm]
I came across a poem that I first read about eight years ago. At the time I really enjoyed it because it was when school had started back, and my nights of staying up til dawn chatting with the best friends I'd never met had come to an end; so I found it fitting. Now, reading it,it has a different meaning--an immensely more powerful and true meaning. When did this happen? When did I forget? Lately I've been constantly fantasizing about the past, praying to whomever or whatever could possibly hear me, begging that somehow I could be transported back to the days when nothing seemed to matter, and the future was mine for the taking.

Sonnet XLIII - Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.

Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
6 comments|post comment

[12 Aug 2004|10:24pm]
so my plane leaves saturday at 7:30. i'm so freaking nervous. i'm sure everything will go well though..

oh, i dyed my hair. i'm not really sure what colour it is. somewhere between strawberry blonde and sweet potato. it's... interesting. heh. and my friend pachi touched up my tattoo. wow, that was an awesome experience. it was very erotic, for some reason, and i felt so euphoric the entire time. i want another one!

the first tropical storm hit savannah today (there's another one coming tomorrow). kate was at pachi's, and i was all alone here in her upstairs apartment, and it started storming, so i looked at the weather channel and there was a tornado warning for savannah. i went next door to carl's for a lil bit and then my dumbass decided to drive over to pachi's. i don't know why. i really wanted to see him, i guess. anyway.. so, when i walked to my car, the water was up to my knees. i had to chase my flip flop down the river that was once a road. and almost the whole way to pachi's, the water was probably two feet deep. there were huge waves hitting the front of my car. i was freaking out.. but i made it.. i'm so proud of my lil neon. :)

anyway, i'll update later and keep you all informed about my new adventure heh ;) ciao
7 comments|post comment

[08 Aug 2004|03:06pm]
i'm moving to LA saturday. you all must come visit. :)

on another note. why do i always end up becoming a make out slut when i drink? and it's generally straight guys and girls. what the hell? heh. oh well, fun times.
5 comments|post comment

[14 Jul 2004|11:24am]
[ mood | tired ]

last night was strange.

i went to madison alley, as usual, because there was nothing better to do. a few minutes after i got there, i was sitting with angela and alison, and this random drunk man i've never seen before comes up to us and starts bitching (mainly at alison, for some reason) about how this is his country, not ours. i kind of thought he was going to kill someone. eventually i found out he was just nuts and thought we were all arabic. he called alison a "sand nigger", apparently. strangeness.

so, while this was going on, i picked up the phone to call the police, and it rings. it was my mom, going crazy. my dad had some sort of a heart attack esque thing last night. we don't really know what happened, but i rushed home and the ambulance was just arriving. he was lying in the living room, pale as a sheet and unconcious. they say his pulse dropped to 37. anyway, so they took him to the hospital, and then freaking dropped him on the ground while he was strapped to the stretcher. he fell on his arm, so they did x-rays to see if it was broken. i think we should sue. *nod* .... so anyway, i was really freaking upset, but all of my friends came and were there for me and calmed me down. i love my friends.

so i'm not really sure what's going on, but hopefully we'll know something soon. this really sucks. he seemed better when i left the hospital. maybe it was just a freak thing. who knows. i'm going to go shower now. i reek.

5 comments|post comment

[13 Jul 2004|02:08pm]
ok, so my last post was a bit dramatic. i'm over it. the eye thing is gone, and the family life is better. i think my mom was just overreacting because she was worried about me. *shrug* .. oh well. so, i quit smoking.. sort of. i didn't smoke for a week, until saturday night. white trash party at madison alley. fun times. crazyyyy times. at one point i was the meat in a sandwich made of a pocket queer and a woman who could've been an extra on the dukes of hazard.

on a side note: what's with drunken straight boys barraging me with questions about my sexuality, while questioning their own? this whole metrosexuality bullshit is getting old. it's such a tease, really.

anyhoo, i'm going to attempt to scan some new pictures now so you all can see how skanky i am as of late. :c)
1 comment|post comment

[06 Jul 2004|12:59pm]
my mother makes me want to fucking kill myself.

i found out that this cyst on my eye could possibly be a type of carcinoma, since it never went away after having surgery and steroid injections. and all my mom can do is BITCH AT ME CONSTANTLY for not having insurance. i didn't even ask if she'd help me pay to have it removed again.. i only asked if she would help pay for me to have a biopsy so i'll know if it's malignant. but no.. she just bitches. she bitches about me and how it's my own fault i dont' have insurance and i should've stayed in school. and i told her just don't worry about it then and she said that she probably shouldn't. i'm a nervous fucking reck because every five minutes she bangs on my door to bitch at me about it some more. i don't know why shes like this. i wish she would just leave me the fuck alone. i mean, if her reaction to the fact that i could possibly die is going to be THIS, then i'd really rather her just leave me the hell alone.
3 comments|post comment

[04 Jul 2004|08:36am]
[ mood | drunk ]

wow, i woke up drunk. fun times.

i just left a fourth of july party at tori and david's. lori rode with me, and i left her there, but she said that she would find a ride home. lori, yes, you did say that. i know you forget things you say sometimes when youre sleeping, but don't be mad at me for leaving :c( it's just that i have a problem sleeping in post-party houses.. ya know? i mean, unless it's a best friend or what not.

anyhoo. i love spin the bottle. i got to kiss three straight boys. oddly enough, the only one who gave me a *real* kiss was my friend david, who was the only unambigiously heterosexual one of the bunch.

agh, my head is killing me. a nice long shower sounds nice. i was going to go to pennsylvania with kate this week, but i don't know if that's going to happen now. the deal with the house went through, so we should start moving in about a week. *sigh* also, that damned cyst on my eye came back, and its bugging the hell out of me. hopefully i can convince my parents to help me pay for surgery somehow.

*I LOVE THIS SONG*

2 comments|post comment

[13 Jun 2004|02:18pm]
[ mood | hot ]

so, i just watched cat on a hot tin roof for the first time. it was great, but i don't understand why brick isn't gay in the movie like he was in the play. oh well. i suppose it was too taboo for the time.

we're going to watch stepford wives tonight!! yay :c) can't wait. and then robby might pay a visit. we'll see..

it's hot as balls, by the way. i think i shall make some kool-aid.

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